


death and other interesting things

by yeehaw_heehaw



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: (i know what it all looks like there is NOT character death), Established Relationship, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-06
Updated: 2020-12-06
Packaged: 2021-03-06 23:07:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,486
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26316910
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yeehaw_heehaw/pseuds/yeehaw_heehaw
Summary: He woke laying on the ground, and opening his eyes came as a struggle to him. He eventually was able to, but then he shut his eyes again when hands grasped either side of his face and tugged him into a firm kiss. Gwaine made a muffled noise of surprise, but instinct had him tilting his head up into the kiss. All too soon, the hands pulled away and the kiss ended.“You idiot, you could’ve died! You absolute fool! Why would you jump in front of me like that?”*gwaine had no lack of experience when it came to journeys going wrong. but he never could have predicted any of this
Relationships: Gwaine/Merlin (Merlin)
Comments: 15
Kudos: 87





	1. one

**Author's Note:**

> thank u very much to kell (twitter: @secretofkell) and ta (ao3: @crispytins) for beta reading !!

A lot can happen during the blink of an eye. In this case, when Gwaine’s eyes closed, he saw his father. 

Gwaine had never met his father, and as follows, he wasn’t familiar with his father’s appearance. He only knew the stories that his mother would tell him and his sister, of the selfless knight who put others before himself and died for a king that could never match his level of honor, a king who had  _ no  _ honor.

But with no doubt present in Gwaine’s mind, he knew who stood in front of him. The man’s hair was also brown, though lighter than Gwaine’s, and the same length as Gwaine’s own hair. His armor shone as bright as the sun, creating a sort of halo around him, and Gwaine thought he’d never seen someone appear more noble; not in the sense of the word that the Caerleons and the Uthers of the world understood, but truly noble. A man dedicated to helping others with no thought to rank, only thinking of himself last.

All of Gwaine’s life, he’d been followed by a single question, one that he believed he’d never know the answer to. It haunted his dreams, and his waking hours, too. But as the man looked back at him with a soft smile and an all too familiar twinkle in his eye, he could finally put the question to rest.

He knew he had become someone that his father would be, and  _ was,  _ proud of. He finally knew.

“Son,” Gwaine’s father said, moving forward to embrace Gwaine. Gwaine held his father closely. He refused to believe this was a dream. His father - his  _ father! _ \- felt so real, and no figment of imagination could make this up. To him, this was really truly happening.

“You’re here?” Gwaine replied, voice hoarse, “How are you here?”

“Gwaine,” his father pulled away to sit down on a fallen tree, “There is much to explain… and not a lot of time to do so. Here, sit down.”

Gwaine did as he said. “Am I dead?”

“You’re not dead,” Gwaine’s father told him. “Yet.”

“What?”

“You’ve been wounded, son. You... could die.”

Gwaine shook his head, then looked down at himself. He didn’t feel any sort of injury.

“Not here,” his father clarified, “You aren’t in the mortal world, currently.”

“So, what is this, then?” Gwaine said, looking around. The last he remembered, he had been accompanying Merlin and Arthur on a small journey - nothing that was a matter of life or death, but that still required them to keep a low profile. (Gwaine had previously wondered about how smart it was for the King to go on a low profile journey, but Arthur got upset when his decisions were questioned, so he hadn’t mentioned anything.) However, at the moment, neither Merlin or Arthur were anywhere to be seen; Gwaine was in an entirely new place, one that he couldn’t recognize. He felt a pang of hurt about so suddenly leaving Merlin alone.

“It’s the space between life and death. You have a choice,” his father told him. “You can remain here, or return to the land of the living.”

Slowly, Gwaine took in his surroundings. There were trees all around, and the sun shining through the green created an ethereal sense of peace. Beyond that, he could hear the gentle trickle of water from a stream nearby, and birds chirping from overhead. Gwaine only felt peace and relaxation. All of his worries had melted away, never to be allowed into this area of tranquility. But despite this, a question still lingered. 

“Why are you here?” Gwaine asked. “You’re already dead, why would you be between life and death?”

“I’m here to welcome you, Gwaine. I explained why you’re here, and if you choose to stay, I’ll lead you to the afterlife.”

“Why do I get to choose?” He shook his head, looking away. “Why, out of all the people better than I, do I get to choose whether I die or not? I don’t understand it.”

Gwaine’s father watched him carefully, brow creasing in concern. “Don’t believe for a moment that you’re not a good man, son. But it’s not a matter of how you live. You were meant to die, but something is tethering you to the land of the living. This isn’t a normal occurrence, but now it is for you to decide which path to take.”

“And what would you have me choose… father?” The word felt strange to Gwaine. He’d never used it in this context, and the thought both saddened him and gave him happiness. Now, he had been given the opportunity.

His father looked away into the tall trees, and let out a deep breath. “I can’t pretend that I don’t want you to choose to stay here,” he said, looking back to Gwaine. “I want to know the sort of man my son has become, and I want to be the father to you that I never had the opportunity to be. But it would be selfish of me, to request that you stay here. You’re still young. You still have a life to live. I can’t ask that you stay here, Gwaine. I can’t make your decision. It needs to be yours alone.”

Gwaine would be lying if he said he didn’t feel the urge to remain here. His surroundings were perfect, to say the least. The gently running water, the slight breeze, the bright green leaves only just swaying. For the first time now, he had the opportunity to know his father, instead of the made-up version of his father that he’d created in his head.

Gwaine knew his decision.

“I can’t stay here.”

Gwaine’s father nodded. “I expected as much. You have loved ones to return to, I’m sure.”

“I do,” Gwaine confirmed, “I have a man I would never willingly leave behind, and I have friends. This place is amazing, but I’m not ready to leave my life.”

“Of course, of course,” his father agreed, standing up and patting Gwaine’s shoulder. “It’s quite alright. A man who knows what his path must be shows that he is indeed a noble man.”

Gwaine stood up as well. “I’ll see you again once I do pass away, won’t I? Eventually?”

“It will be awhile, I hope, but I’ll be here again once you do.” Gwaine’s father pulled him into a hug again. He then patted Gwaine on the back firmly, and then moved back to look Gwaine in the eye. “I’m not glad of the circumstances that brought you here, son, but I’m glad that I had the opportunity to finally meet you. I hope that you live a long and happy life, and know that when it is your time to return here, you’ll have loved ones to greet you.”

Gwaine swallowed hard. He wanted to reply, but the emotions he was feeling from his father’s words clogged his throat. It wouldn’t have mattered anyway, because only a few moments after Gwaine had attempted to reply, his surroundings seemed to fade around him. The trees and the sound of running water all disappeared at the same time. His father left last, and with that, Gwaine was plunged into total darkness.

He woke laying on the ground, and opening his eyes came as a struggle to him. He eventually was able to, but then he shut his eyes again when hands grasped either side of his face and tugged him into a firm kiss. Gwaine made a muffled noise of surprise, but instinct had him tilting his head up into the kiss. All too soon, the hands pulled away and the kiss ended.

“You idiot, you could’ve died! You absolute fool! Why would you jump in front of me like that?”

Gwaine opened his eyes again, blinked several times, and then focused on Merlin. Merlin’s face was red, tears spilling out of his eyes.

Gwaine moved from his position lying on the ground to sitting up. He wanted to reach for Merlin, but his movements caused the skin around his wound to stretch and he let out an involuntary noise. Merlin’s hand shot down to tug up Gwaine’s shirt.

“ _ Hey _ , hey,” Gwaine soothed as he placed his hand over Merlin’s, “I’m fine, see? I’m fine, it’s just a flesh wound.” 

Merlin looked to Gwaine with fearful eyes. He jerkily nodded his head several times in response, then tugged off his neckerchief and pressed it to Gwaine’s side to staunch the light flow of blood. “You’re fine,” he repeated, “you’re fine.”

_ Sure _ , Gwaine thought soberly,  _ as fine as I can get. _

“We need to go,” a stern voice behind Merlin spoke. Gwaine looked past him to see Arthur, and oh, right, it  _ wasn’t _ just the two of them there. Arthur’s face was unusually pale, jaw clenched. Gwaine didn’t think Arthur cared for him so much as to be upset with a meager injury, but, he supposed, you learn new things everyday.

Merlin’s eyes widened as he watched Gwaine with an unfocused stare. Before Gwaine could ask if he was okay, Merlin was shaking himself out of his thoughts and shuffling forward to help Gwaine to his feet. All at once, the feeling of being lightheaded overtook him, and Gwaine would’ve fallen right back to the ground if not for Merlin being there.

“Come on,” Merlin said gently, leading Gwaine to his horse. “We need to get back to Camelot quickly.”

“What?” Gwaine replied faintly. “But the… the journey...”

Merlin shook his head, placing his hand on Gwaine’s back and nudging him gently, but insistently. His expression betrayed how anxious he was to start heading back to Camelot, but he refused to be inconsiderate about Gwaine’s dazed state. “It wasn’t very important anyways. You’re more important, we need to get you to Gaius. Up you go.”

Merlin had to help Gwaine get onto his horse, but then they were ready to go. Arthur had already ridden ahead of them, but with Merlin holding the reins of Gwaine’s horse and their steady pace, they caught up to him eventually. It was a silent ride back to Camelot, with Merlin only making sure that Gwaine wasn’t in imminent danger of falling off his horse, and Arthur not caring at all to make conversation or to even look back at them. Combined with Gwaine’s inability to focus clearly, it was unbearable.

Gwaine only realized, once they had arrived back in Camelot, that he had no idea what had happened to the much larger group of bandits that had ambushed their small group of three.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank u very much to kell (twitter: @secretofkell) and ta (ao3: @crispytins) for beta reading !!

In the following weeks, things around the castle were tense.

Merlin and Arthur were doing their best to avoid each other. Arthur, despite formerly needing Merlin to do something as simple as cutting Arthur’s food, hadn’t complained once about Merlin not showing up for his servant duties. And however much anyone asked, the both of them were firmly keeping quiet about what had happened to make the two act against each other like this. 

Conveniently, Merlin had also let his physician’s assistant duties take up the majority of his time, using this as an excuse to avoid his other job, but it had negatively affected the time he and Gwaine were able to spend together.

Despite the worry he felt for Merlin, Gwaine himself had his own issues to sort through. The memory of meeting his father was so clear; but the more time he had to think about it, the more he began to pick it apart. As the days went by, he believed that the meeting with his father was something that his imagination had created while unconscious. His father had told him that he had been on the brink of death, but when he’d woken up, his wound was hardly something to be scared about. Gaius had tended to it well, and it didn’t take very long after for it to be fully healed. If the meeting had truly happened, then shouldn’t Gwaine’s injury have been worse than it was? He was only somewhat dizzy, but not truly in any danger of dying.

And yet, Gwaine’s certainty that all of it was real as he’d talked to his father had also stuck with him. Though reason was telling him that it couldn’t have been, his emotions disallowed him to fully believe so.

He had many thoughts about this encounter to sort through, but no way to come to a conclusive answer.

It was later in the day that he saw Merlin again, on the training field. The knights were waiting to train, but Arthur had not shown up yet to order them around, and they were about ready to stop waiting and begin the training session without the King.

Elyan and Percival were joking among themselves, and ordinarily Gwaine would’ve joined in on their conversation. But he chose instead to find a place to sit and sharpen his sword, all the while thinking more on the possibly fictional conversation he’d had.

Gwaine heard footsteps on the soft grass but chose not to look up. A moment passed before he heard a painstakingly familiar voice: “Is something the matter, Gwaine? You’re not with the other knights…”

Gwaine straightened his back and looked over when Merlin sat next to him. He was never good when it came to talking about his father. It was a sore subject for him, and he tried to avoid talking about his father when he could. When he did happen to end up on the subject, he would try to change the subject, sometimes by snapping at the person he’d be talking to. But Merlin was upset with Arthur, and vice versa, though he refused to say why. If he wanted to know what was bothering Gwaine, well...

Gwaine sighed. “I’ll tell you if you tell me what’s wrong with you and Arthur.”

Merlin’s posture immediately stiffened; his hands began to clench and unclench where they rested on his thighs. He looked away, and then back at Gwaine, and then away again. “It’s- there’s nothing wrong- Arthur’s just being himself, it’s nothing.”

“It’s not nothing,” Gwaine dropped his sword in the grass and placed his hand on Merlin’s shoulder.

“Gwaine…”

“You two haven’t talked in weeks, and everyone’s noticed. Look, Merlin. You don’t have to tell me, and I don’t want to make you. I just don’t want you to be upset, and I want you to know that I’m here if you need to talk, too. It’s not just a one-way street,” Gwaine said quietly, watching Merlin with a soft expression.

Merlin’s hand moved up to gently grasp Gwaine’s arm. Merlin looked at him with a sad, but determined look. “I know, Gwaine. Believe me, I really do. I just can’t say why, it’s…”

Merlin’s eyes moved away from Gwaine’s again, and he followed Merlin’s gaze to see Arthur walking out of the castle, heading onto the practice grounds.

“I have to go, Gaius probably needs me to clean out the leech tank. I’ll see you later, okay?” Merlin hesitantly smiled at Gwaine.

“Yeah, ‘course,” Gwaine confirmed, returning a small smile. “See you later.” With that, Merlin was off, headed into a different castle entrance than the one Arthur had exited from. Gwaine let out a deep sigh, and tugged on the ends of his hair in frustration.

He couldn’t deny that he wanted to know what had Merlin so upset. Gwaine wondered if he had done something to make Merlin’s trust in him wane, but he couldn’t think of a reason. At least now Gwaine had learned something new from Merlin implying that whatever had happened was Arthur’s fault. It didn’t come as a surprise, but Gwaine was glad to finally have something confirmed instead of continuously speculating.

Arthur called all the knights over for practice, and Gwaine reluctantly headed over with the others, leaving his train of thought for something to revisit later. He could not, unfortunately, leave his anger towards Arthur.

Gwaine usually tried not to use all his force with his fellow knights during training sessions, but during this particular one, Gwaine did the best he could do to not hold back with Arthur. 

Arthur, for his part, did his best to ignore it, but eventually he was driven to his breaking point.

“What is your issue?” Arthur demanded, throwing his sword to the ground after Gwaine had gotten a hard hit in and then harshly pushed Arthur away. “If you’ve got something to say, say it!”

“What’s  _ my  _ issue?” Gwaine shot back, doing the same as Arthur and dropping his sword. “You’re the one whose spent the last few weeks acting like you’ve a stick up your ass for no reason at all!”

“I have my reasons!” Gwaine snorted, and Arthur, face red, added, “And I’m not acting like anything of the sort. You can’t talk to your king like this!”

“Right now you’re not my king,  _ Arthur _ , you’re just the man who has been acting like an absolute ass towards my lover, and I’d like to know why, because I sure as hell know Merlin has never done anything to deserve this treatment.”

Arthur laughed, his expression an impossible mixture of delight and outrage. “What makes you think you know him? What makes you think any of us know him?”

“What does that mean? You tell me what the hell that means, right now-” Gwaine stepped forward, hands reaching out. Before he could reach Arthur though, Percival swiftly walked over and heaved Gwaine over his shoulder like a bag of grain. Gwaine shouted curses at Arthur while continuously kicking his legs out, trying to dislodge Percival’s grip, but Percival successfully carried him away.

The last thing he saw of Arthur before Gwaine was carried into the castle was his expression of anger fade into a mixture of regret and shame.

*

Percival had, quite literally, dropped Gwaine off at his room to calm down. For the next half hour, Gwaine cycled between pacing around, looking forlornly out the window, or sitting on the bed, back slouched and chin propped up by his hand.

He had been quite put out that he hadn’t been able to fight Arthur.

Eventually, he came to a decision.

Merlin hadn’t told Gwaine anything, and as emotionally constipated as Arthur was, he surely wouldn’t have intentionally said anything. But if he had let something slip in conversation… In Gwaine’s mind, there was only one option: a visit to Gwen was in order.

*

“Gwaine, come in!” Gwen said kindly, moving to the side and waving at Gwaine to enter. Her chambers were as big as Arthur’s, but several homemade quilts were scattered around the room, hanging over the backs of chairs, and laying at the end of her bed. On the mantle of the fireplace, there were small collectibles and mementos. Her desk had paperwork scattered across it, and in the middle of the dining table, there was a bowl of fresh grapes. Altogether, it gave the room a more homely and comfortable feeling than Arthur’s shields and weapons did in his rooms.

“Gwen,” Gwaine nodded to her, smiling awkwardly. In any normal situation, Gwaine would be glad to have a conversation with Gwen, but what he came to talk to her about today was nothing pleasant.

“What can I do for you today?”

“I, uh… I don’t suppose you’ve heard anything from Arthur recently? About Merlin, maybe?”

Gwen shook her head, frowning. “You’re here about why they haven’t been getting along lately,” she sighed, “No, I haven’t. I don’t know any more than you do, Gwaine. I wish I did.”

“Right,” Gwaine replied, tapping his fingers on the table dejectedly, “Thanks, though. I was just hoping to get some clarity on the situation, I guess. Merlin’s been so upset lately, and I suppose it’s been the same with Arthur.”

“Yes,” Gwen said, biting her lip, “He’s been quieter, recently. Lost in his own thoughts. I’ve tried to ask him, but he won’t tell me anything. Though, I don’t think fighting the king is going to help any, Gwaine.”

Gwaine laughed, shaking his head and rubbing his eye. “No, I suppose not. I’ll try not to, again. You don’t seem very surprised about it, though.”

Gwen watched Gwaine for a few moments, then moved to sit down at the table. She pushed the chair next to her out with her shoe, then patted the arm of it and looked at Gwaine. Once he sat, she asked, “Did you ever hear about how Merlin and Arthur met?”

“...I haven’t.”

Gwen shook her head. “Arthur can still be rather ignorant in regards to how he treats others, but he is leagues better now than he used to be. Merlin stepped in when he saw Arthur throwing knives at a servant holding a target.”

Gwaine’s expression twisted up into an expression of displeasure and disgust. “Are you kidding?”

“I wish,” Gwen told him. “He didn’t have very much outside influence before Merlin came along. He only ever looked up to Uther, and never before considered those of  _ lower standing _ ,” she said, her last words accompanied with distaste clear in her voice at the very idea of anyone being considered inferior due to the circumstances of their birth.

“What happened next?”

“Well, Merlin spent a night in the dungeons-” Gwaine became even more visibly displeased- “And then, he got into a fight with Arthur again the very next day, until Gaius dragged him away.”

Gwaine leaned back in his chair and laughed. “So, you’ve just become used to anyone wanting to fight Arthur, then?”

“It wasn’t entirely unexpected. And even lesser so when I’d heard it was you,” Gwen said, raising her eyebrows at him as she raised a goblet of water to her mouth.

Gwaine unashamedly smiled at her. “It means Arthur has surrounded himself with a wise council; truthful and unlikely to agree with the king in order to climb the social ladder.”

Gwen nearly choked on the water from laughter. “If that’s how you’d like to word it.”

“It’s nicer than saying he was being an ass,” Gwaine said. “No offense.”

Gwen shook her head and patted Gwaine’s hand. “I hope they can sort their issues soon,” she says, “It’s putting us all on edge. Even Audrey.”

Gwaine rose slowly, feeling drained and helpless. There were certain advantages he had grown accustomed to while living a life of solitude, traveling and attempting not to keep any connections. He had no one to care for, so he had no one to worry over. There was only one path forward, and that was to wherever the closest tavern he was allowed in was. 

But that changed with Merlin, of course. Now, here, he didn’t know what to do. There was no clear path forward for him. He could only watch, as Merlin became more agitated whenever even Arthur’s name came up. He could only watch, as his father disappeared for a second time.

“Thank you for the talk,” Gwaine told Gwen, “I hope so, too.”

*

He had no duties scheduled soon, so Gwaine took to wandering the less crowded hallways out of his chainmail. It was fine for a time, but after too long the literal weight on his shoulders would add to the discomfort of being closed in.

He imagined himself and Merlin, both living the life Gwaine had before choosing to remain in Camelot as a knight. They would see beautiful sights together, they would meet new and interesting people, there would be no metaphorical weight on their shoulders, either…

And it was perfect, almost. But…

But, Gwaine thinks, he isn’t sure how much of Merlin he has genuinely witnessed that hasn’t had some sort of weight on him. There is the matter of being Arthur’s manservant, which is surely no easy feat. But then, in their intimate moments together, Merlin can forget himself, forget the pressures the world has placed upon his shoulders. The next day, though, it will return like clockwork. A weariness that Merlin hides from others, over something that Gwaine is not privy to.

Every person has their secrets. Gwaine knows this. He also knows that he wants nothing more than to take Merlin far away from the worries that surround him. He wants Merlin to be happy. Now, Arthur is making his worries worse. Gwaine doesn’t know if they’re connected. He doesn’t know how to help Merlin.

His footsteps stopped suddenly as his ears processed hushed, irritated voices only just around the corner.

If Gwaine were a better person, he’d walk straight by without eavesdropping.

But.

He moves closer and turns his head to the side to listen in.

“He attacked me today!”  _ Ahh, Arthur’s grating voice, _ Gwaine’s mind supplied helpfully.

“You’re exaggerating. He’s Gwaine.” Merlin’s much nicer voice.

“Percival had to drag him away,” Arthur told him. 

The two weren’t in view of Gwaine, but he could envision Merlin’s eye roll. “I’m very busy, you know, I do work for Gaius. You can’t just ignore me and then talk to me whenever it’s convenient for you.”

“Yes I can, I’m the king. All I wanted to say  _ was _ , you could at least make an effort to control his actions towards me. I’m sure he knows about… the… your…”

“Gwaine doesn’t know, Arthur.”

Gwaine’s eyebrows dropped down. His eyes moved around the space in front of him, waiting, hoping for more clarity.

“... you haven’t told Gwaine?”

Merlin huffed out a breath of air. “No.”

“But he’s  _ Gwaine _ . You haven’t told the man you’re in a courtship with?”

“I know!” Merlin snapped back, but then more quietly, “I know.”

“You should-“

“Arthur,” Merlin interrupted, “You’re actually the person who least deserves to tell me your opinion of this, considering you’re the king of  _ Camelot _ .”

There was a period of silence, uncomfortable for Gwaine as he stared ahead and waited to hear something else, and then he heard loud footsteps quickly retreating.

Gwaine moved back down the hallway before either Merlin or Arthur could walk the other way and find him eavesdropping.

After that, he had no destination in mind, but his footsteps led him to one of the towers, where he looked far beyond the town and into the forests of Camelot. Since his injury, he had yet to join in a quest where they were required to go far out of Camelot, and he was restless to go. Even more so, now. He would also go so far to say that Arthur was conspiring to keep him from going on said journey’s.

Gwaine wanted to stop thinking like that. He  _ needed _ to. He thought, once he became a knight, and certainly because he had people he cared about to remain here for, the wanderlust would wear off.

But to Gwaine’s great shame, it seemed that his need for escape returned as soon as any problem near to him made itself present.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello sorry for the long wait, but i am a notorious clown!
> 
> more things to happen in chapter 3 ofc, but introspective gwaine is something i enjoy too much and also not featured on ao3 a lot, i think


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